eHarmony – Get The Wild off The Dating Wild West

eHarmony is a dating site that boasts well over 20 million online users.  You are probably familiar with those eHarmony TV ads and if you have ever considered a dating site for your quest to find that elusive partner, then you might very well want to check for yourself what his particular site can offer that other dating sites can’t.

Now you may be questioning my motives for promoting one service over another, and you would be right course, only I am intimately familiar with the ins and outs of at least 3 dating sites, having sampled them personally, and as you will read below, I have found my soul mate through  eHarmony.   (It is true though that if you were to purchase something after clicking  any one of the links appearing on afterbreakingup.com I would be receive a fee, so there is an incentive after all.  And if you do, perhaps you will come back and tell me about your own experience).

The subject of eHarmony and dating sites is particularly relevant this time of the year and with Valentine’s day fast approaching, nearly everyone who hasn’t found a meaningful partner yet knows that they are in for a tough time.

Of course that is not to say that Valentine’s Day is stressful only for the “non-attached” amongst us as we all likely feel the trepidation that comes along with the perception of what is expected of us on such a day. But that is another topic of conversation of course.

So if you are single or unattached, your challenge is to find love, where and how you can find it and what you need to do in order to keep it.

Today, I will concentrate on the challenges of the single or unattached: the quest to find love, true love, not just for Valentine’s Day of 2012, but for every Valentine’s Day thereafter. As we all know, this is quite an endeavor but as we also know, if successful, the outcome can provide all of us with unbounded love and peace.

Every one who is looking for a date will know that there are several ways that one can follow in order to find a dating partner:

• Meeting someone at work
• Meeting someone through friends
• Meeting someone through a wonderful “coincidental” set of circumstances
• Meeting someone through an online dating site

In this article, I will talk about the fourth method:

Finding love through an online dating sites.

With so many online dating sites to choose from, it is difficult to give a true account of each and every one of these sites.  I would need to write hundreds of articles on each one of them, and even if I did, my reviews would be flawed simply because I have only ever had a personal experience with just 3 online dating sites.  I am lucky to report that my search for the love of my life ended at the third time of asking and that was eHarmony.

It is therefore fair to say that I have an intimate knowledge of how eHarmony works, what sets it apart from other sites, what its flaws and merits are and why I have recommended this site to some of my friends as well as readers of this blog.  Of course, that is not to say that I would not recommend any other dating sites, nor does it imply that you wouldn’t be better of trying your luck elsewhere.  At the end of the day, dating and relationship is a personal subject and what works for some doesn’t always work for others.

Why did eHarmony prove to be successful for my wife and I?

The answer to this question is simple. It is a question of choice and in the case of eHarmony less is more.  I will explain what I mean later.

But first, let me attempt to clarify why I chose eHarmony over other sites.

Other, more traditional dating sites list all dating profiles for all to see, and it is the responsibility of each member to contact prospective partners.  Not withstanding the fact that often times members profiles look way too good to be true, men who want to initiate a first contact have a very limited window of opportunity in which they can grab the attention of the person they are interested in dating (by way of a personal message) and there is a limit to what you can say in a 30 or so worded introduction that will be sufficient to grab the attention of the lady you are trying to woo.   Not only that, but with so many members, and so many people competing for each others’ attention, it is not uncommon for a lady to be overwhelmed by the sheer number of messages she receives, hence the necessity to learn to “clear the deck” as quickly as possible, even if that means that perfectly good men are then overlooked. (Of course, women are faced with the same problem, but traditionally, at least in my generation, it is expected that the gentleman initiates first contact.)

Now assuming that you are one of the lucky ones and you have done enough in your first contact email to receive a positive answer, there is no way to tell whether the two of you are compatible or not simply because to evaluate this very human of reality is not a easy as it sounds, particularly when profiles are overly generous with the qualities character traits of their owners.

What happens to you next is left to chance.  Neither of you will have been “vetted” and you will rely on instinct and more than a large chunk of good fortune to meet with partners that are remotely compatible with you. At that stage, contact is direct, by way of the site personal messaging system, by chat or by phone.  (This is not how eHarmony works!)

Beyond any other considerations, being a member of at least two other dating sites before I joined eHarmony, I always had the feeling that I was in a virtual bar where one would advertise one’s fare whilst others might be interested in what one had to offer.  If you are comfortable with this premise then you will find yourself right at home with dating sites such as match.com or even jdate.com.  But for those of us who prefer a more discreet environment, or simply don’t like going to bars, these sites may prove to be “challenging”.

How eHarmony Works

Not like any other online dating sites, that is for sure.  eHarmony prides itself in its Compatibility Matching System and for good reasons.  This method of gathering information from each of its members according to a comprehensive compatibility questionnaire is one of the two main aspects that sets eHarmony apart from other dating services.

This Compatibility Matching System is based on a set of “29 Dimensions of Compatibility” which through a carefully planned rating system draws a psychological profile about each member which may be uncannily accurate.  Completing the questionnaire as honestly as you possibly can is of course advised  and the more time you spent on this initial step, the better chances you will have.

Here is one screen shot of one such questions about personality traits and of course there are many others.

A quick glance at this image shows shows that anyone who wants to be successful at dating with eHarmony needs to spend some time answering the various questionnaires and it is truly the case that what you get is what put in in the first place.

Do you remember that I talked about the questionnaire being one of two aspects of eHarmony that is different than on other sites?  Well the second is that there is no search feature on eHarmony.  That means that once you have completed your profile, you will NOT be able to search for suitable partners (as you would on other dating sites).

Instead, eHarmony will do the search for you!  This means that the only profiles you will ever see are those that eHarmony deems compatible.

That may seem counter productive, after all we are living in a society where a quick reward for the least amount of effort is always the preferred option for most of us, and the fact that you have to wait until your profile is analyzed, compiled and then compared to other profiles means that you could have to wait a few days before you are put into contact with the prospective love of your life.

In that respect, think of eHarmony as the matchmaker of old, relax and wait.  Once the compatible profiles have been assessed and then recommended to you, you will be amazed at how “compatible” these recommended members appear to be.  That is not to say that each and everyone of them will inevitably be Mr. or Mrs. Rights, but at least there will be sufficient compatibility between you to make you want to learn more about each other.

What I liked about eHarmony

Not only is eHarmony famous for its “29 Dimensions of Compatibility” developed by Dr. Warren (the owner) and its ability to build an accurate psychological profile of any member who takes the time to answer all the questionnaires, but once two members are matched, eHarmony takes both members by hand so to speak in that in the beginning stages, members can only communicate with other though a set of questionnaires which eHarmony provides.

It is a guided communication feature which allows you to to use a set of pre-made questions to send a prospective match.  This is particularly helpful if you find it difficult to start that initial conversation.

It is also useful as it allows members to remain somewhat anonymous in their earlier exchanges.  It is only when a number of such Q&A sessions are completed that members are able to communicate directly with one another.

You shouldn’t join eHarmony if:

• You are looking for a casual affair (that is not to say that every encounter will lead to a permanent relationship but eHarmony, because if the nature of its questionnaires and Q&A requires a definite time investment on the part of its members).
• You want to be able to meet a partner the minute you are done with your profile.
• You are not going to spend the time to fill the questionnaires as faithfully as possible.
• You don’t want to spend money on a dating site.  (While not out of reach, eHarmony is not the cheapest dating sites out there.  But the sites makes up for this with the “quality” of the matches.)

eHarmony, lawsuits and civil rights infringement.

eHarmony and Gay Dating Sites is a combination that has not always had the best reviews in some circles. Indeed the company has been the subject of lawsuits for its perceived discrimination towards gay couples who have felt that their rights may have been discriminated against. As a result, eHarmony has not traditionally been the dating site of choice for gay men and women.

A couple of years ago, this online dating site offered just two choices for members:

• Woman seeking a man
• Man seeking a woman

This limited choice was felt as an overt decision on the part of eHarmony to infringe upon the rights of gays and lesbians who the company did not cater for. It is important to say that as of today, this limitation has seemingly been removed as prospective members are indeed now offered the following options:

• Man seeking Men
• Man seeking Women
• Woman seeking Men
• Woman seeking Women

Does this mean that eHarmony is no longer discriminatory against gays and lesbians? The answer to this question will depend on your personal experience and I would love to read your opinion particularly if you joined (or failed to) join eHarmony in order to find a same sex partner.

I understand that this issue is a difficult one and the gay community had the right to feel aggrieved.  Of course some would argue that if you were to join a gay dating site (as a straight person), you might feel discriminated yourself but this is a thorny subject.

According to its website eHarmony seems to be catering for everyone now:

Meet People of all Ages, Races and Religions on eHarmony

And there are indeed links for Christian Dating, Black Dating, Jewish Dating, Gay and Lesbian Dating and Senior Dating.  It seems that the lawsuits were not a waste of time after all!

How much does eHarmony Cost?

It’s certainly not free.  Whilst it is possible to get a list of matches without paying any money, you won’t be able to do much of anything until you pay! So if you’re broke, or don’t intend to spend any money with eHarmony, my advice would be to not even complete your profile as this would be a waste of time.

There are currently several membeship levels if you want to join eHarmony:

In summary, eHarmony was very good to me. And perhaps it can do the same to you too.    I would recommend it to anyone in search of a long term and committed relationship.  If you are looking for a casual online dating experience that eHarmony should not be your site of choice and you might want to opt for another dating site with a wider variety of matches.

eHarmony Pros

• Very detailed personality profile
• Deeper, better matches
• More relevant matches, although less choices overall.

eHarmony Cons

• More expensive then other dating sites.
• Very little in the way of free features.
• Requires some time to complete your entire profile.

If you are truly looking for a long term relationship and can afford the cost of joining eHarmony then you should really check it out.