T’was a sunny afternoon in gorgeous Florida, breezy and sweet as an apple pie with the right amount of vanilla ice cream. And as my wife and I watched the day go by its slow merry way, smelling of the scents that make Florida at this time of year such a wonderful place to live in, we busied ourselves with the things that one does to bring a bit of heaven to our own garden… We slaved around the yard preparing for the season to come with potting and planting, a series of not so leisurely tasks that required the usual trip to Home Depot.
As we were making our way home, just after the hour had rang 5 times in the afternoon we passed by our favorite Italian ice cream café and it must have been the smell of Italian charms or simply a telepathic connection that enables couples in love to always seem to have the same thought at the same time, we decided to stop by and indulge in a moment of heaven.
And as we were sitting there, quietly melting into the delights of ice cream, in to the shop walks a family of four, parents and their kids, one, a boy not even 10 and the other a really pretty teenage girl at the age where it is so easy to take the wrong turn.
There is always a stir in the air when the quiet of an afternoon is momentarily shifted and so it was yesterday after this new family, having placed their order waked past us and sat down at the table next to us. A while later, they had their ice cream in front of them, and the quiet around us set itself up once again for the lazy pace that a Sunday afternoon should never fail to have.
My wife and I eat at a different pace. She takes her time to taste and enjoy whilst I devour and of course it wasn’t long before I had nothing left on my plate and all the time to peek at hers.
Next to my wife, sat alone in the middle of her family, I could see the teenage girl who had just walked in, oh so busy showing to every one that she really didn’t want to be there.
She had long black hair, eyes as blue as a mid summer’s sky, with make up and everything as any rebellious teenage girl felt she had to have for a Sunday afternoon outing with her family! She was also dressed for the kill, revealing most of what nature had given her knowing perfectly well what she was showing… And unaware of course that the nature of the attention she was drawing to herself had the potential of disaster written all over her.
How did her parents (who seemed perfectly respectable from the little I could see of them) ever let their daughter out dressed like that.
“Have you seen the girl next to you?” I asked my wife with my eyes as we both got up and left the shop, and as she nodded her beautiful face to me, so did the Italian shop owner, the miracle momma who worked her magic with her ice cream and who had also noticed the same thing.
We went back into the car, but the intimacy of this perfect afternoon had been somewhat broken.
There were ripples in the air, quietly growling and reminding us both to be there always for our kids, ready for love and guidance and everything else that kids have a right to, including a stern word or two from a Dad when a daughter chooses inappropriate clothes for herself.
It’s your job Dad! Do it!
Hi Stevie,
I enjoyed your Florida Sunday story and yes, yesterday was a beautiful and very usual Sunday. I did some yard work but didn’t make the trip to Home Depot this time.
Your point at the end of your story is very relevant to us. We have two teenage daughters and it is so important to teach them to dress appropriately and to explain the reason for this as well. As parents that is our responsibility. It is not easy sometimes but still necessary.
Hope you and your wife still enjoyed the balance of your beautiful Florida Sunday!
Dawn and (Dave)
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Dr. Dad Reply:
March 21st, 2011 at 5:15 pm
Thank you Dawn.
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Hi Stevie,
Being a good parent is THE single biggest challenge one will ever face. Sometimes it is hard to draw the line between letting your kids express themselves vs. being respectful of others. What I’ve tried to do as a single parent is set a good example for my two kids.
You have a captivating writing style. I look forward to visiting your blog often.
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Dr. Dad Reply:
March 21st, 2011 at 5:48 pm
Hello Darlene and thank you for your kind words. As a single parent your role is very difficult. At least a married couple can play the “good cop bad cop” card “Dad wants this, I don’t” but a single mom has to do it all.
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Hi Dr. Dad,
Boy this story hits home right now this week. Having some similar issues regarding those all too important relationships with kids and especially a beautiful teen in our home. Thanks for the reminder to “be there” and you are correct – kids do have a right to have everything that we can give them.
Richard
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Dr. Dad Reply:
March 24th, 2011 at 2:17 pm
Hey Richard,
I think every parent has (has had) one of those beautiful teens who needs support and guidance. Makes it one the best things about being a Dad I suppose. There is nothing that quite compares with sitting down with one of those teens several years later, when they have begun to make their own life and to hear them tell you: “Do you know Dad, you were so right back in the days….”
Makes every thing we have done in life more than worthwhile.
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I think one of the personal reasons that myself and my sister turned out to be successful and have stable lives is attributed to the way that my parents raised us. My dad was always in the picture and was a really good dad. Very supportive all the time. The same holds true for my mother. Good parenting, no matter what the relationship status is when a kid is involved is critical for your child’s success.
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Hi Stevie!
That’s something I too am very keenly aware of, even though I’m not yet a father.
Being a brother to a lovely teen sis who is just as rebellious as the one you mentioned, it struck a chord with me!
Well, it seems media influence is much more pervasive and influential than well-meaning family members.
I’m sure the dad knows it,(which male wouldn’t?) but rebellious teens can be a real challenge to handle.
What would you suggest he do?
Yasser
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Dr. Dad Reply:
March 25th, 2011 at 12:27 pm
Hello Yasser and thank you very much for your comment. Of course making sure that any member of a family stays safe and is always encouraged to make the right choices should be a priority for all within that family unit, and not just Dad. I wrote about this particular scenario because it was fresh in my mind, but I could have written a very similar story for any child, girl or boy. Since you are asking for my opinion, all I would suggest is that you lead by example, be as good a brother as you can to your sister and let your parents be parents. The responsibility to take the lead in this is theirs unless they shy away from such responsibility in which case it becomes an entirely different matter.
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What a great post. A great way to make your point. Tough love is still love and much needed to help kids grow up. It is not always easy to watch other parents raise their kids with different standards. I am convinced that those kids, that have parents who correct perceived unacceptable behavior, are better of in the long run, although they may not realize it at the time.
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I find it amazing that something like that would interfere with your day??? We bring people into our existence and others are only manifestations of our own inner selves. I work part time with children in foster care and I find it amazing that you would judge her without speaking. I believe there are no bad children – the most drama that I have to deal with in my job is the drama of the adults. That girl has a story to tell. She has a life. You should ask yourself why she was put into your day. Our only ‘job’ here is forgiveness. Forgiveness of ourselves first because that girl was a part of you. I started not to comment on this post, but did, forgiveness is my only job here.
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Dr. Dad Reply:
March 25th, 2011 at 5:33 pm
Hi Nicole and thanks for taking the time to make a comment on this article.
I think you have misunderstood my point. At no place did I say that this episode had interfered with our day in the sense that you inferring to. What I did say is that it put into its proper perspective the important role that parents have when raising their kids. At no point was I judging this young lady. And it is precisely because she has a story to tell that I made the observation that parents should not run away from their responsibilities. But I disagree with you when you say that our “only job” is forgiveness. Forgiveness for the sake of it, just because it is the cool thing to do doesn’t accomplish anything for the person who is “forgiven”. In my humble opinion, our only job is to love. Where you are right though is that there are no bad children. Only bad parents.
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Hi Stevie
I love the way that you write your articles, the way that you can take an everyday situation and turn it into something worthwhile.
Unfortunately parenting is not taught in school and very few people actually get a book and read about it although there are some good ones around. The challenge is that lots of parents these days are really only kids themselves and simply just have to get on with it. Often there isn’t even a dad around.
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Dr. Dad Reply:
March 25th, 2011 at 6:47 pm
Thank you Pammy and you are right on so many levels about parenting.
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Hey Stevie,
I ponder why some parents let their kids dress the way that they do. I almost have to think, ok, who is the parent here? Some parents are focused on being friends with their kids, instead of parents.
I don’t think I started being friends with my parents intil I was out of college and I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way!
Kim
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Stevie,
Parenting is the most important job that EVERYONE must do in their lives. Once we have kids, we have accepted this job for the rest of our lives. I believe that 70% of how a kid turns out is parenting and environment. Many people thing that kids are born a certain way. I believe that sometimes, we may be born with certain tendencies, but if parenting is proper, negative tendencies will be avoided and positive ones will be enforced.
Good read.
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Dr. Dad Reply:
March 28th, 2011 at 3:08 pm
I couldn’t agree more Gary. Thank you.
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Unfortunately, many girls who dress that way are not receiving enough attention from their father. It may be precisely due to this fact that they are trying to attract the wrong type of attention to themselves. The best antidote to this type of dress is in our own daughters is to be the father they need.
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Stevie,
Your prose are poetic and I can feel the angst you must have felt while enjoying your Sunday treat.
I am blessed with sons, who today are grown men, married and happily making their own way in life. Although their mother and I parted company when there were very young I made it my business to let them know I divorce their mom, never them. It has paid off handsomely in the close relationship we share. Their bear hugs are more delicious than your Sunday scoops.
Parenting is nothing to be taken lightly. Children are a commitment that nature entrusts you with. In the face of all adversity and the rush of teenage hormones and attitude you are still responsible, still in charge.
RICK
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Dr. Dad Reply:
March 28th, 2011 at 8:34 pm
Congratulations on taking responsibility for the break up of your marriage with your son’s mother and confirming to them that “you divorced her, and not you!” We would all love never to have to deal with a break up or a divorce, but when it happens, it is so important to do the next “best thing” and as I have said in a previous post to “Love our kids more than we hate our ex!”
I am delighted that you have such a blessed relationship with your sons. It is the biggest compliment a parent can have!
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Hi Stevie:
As a father of 3 daughters (my oldest is 12 and my youngest is 6)this post really resonated with me. I want my girls to present themselves respectfully and not provocatively. It makes me cringe when I see what some of the other girls in my daughter’s grade 7 class are wearing. Eeeek!
Kevin
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Hey Steve,
I can’t agree with you more on the responsibility of a Dad to instill proper values in his daughter. As the proud father of a now 22 year old, I have to admit that I didn’t really face the problem of a rebellious daughter because she turned out to be a gym rat of the first order.
Being a native Hoosier (Go Butler!), basketball is king in our family, and getting my daughter to dress in anything other than basketball shorts and a tee shirt in high school was sometimes a bit of an issue.
Fortunately she has outgrown that phase, and now dresses rather well in my view.
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Awesome post! I recently had a conversation with a friend who was struggling to change gears and stop being his son’s father and become his friend. I was really surprised by the desire to do that but he explained that he felt he had always been the stern disciplinarian and now that the boy had reached 21 years of age, he thought it was time to ease back and become more of a friend. Interesting that he thought he couldn’t be both, right? I reminded him that his son could and would have lots of friends in his life but only one ‘him’-father. I bet if he asked his son, the son would already consider him to be one of his closest friends because of his counsel, and care, and time spent grooming him into the fabulous young man that he is. Thanks so much for this powerful post and reminder that our behavior (or lack thereof) has consequences.
Have a powerful day! Allegra
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Dr. Dad Reply:
April 1st, 2011 at 3:06 am
Thank you Allegra for your post. I appreciate it. As you say, the key is to keep the right balance and not fall into the trap of being too friendly when in nearly all cases our kids need their parents to be parents.
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Being a parent is truly one of the most rewarding but also one of the most challenging things any of us will probably ever have to face. Sometimes you think you are going to make the perfect parent but things just don’t work out like that and you don’t know why. For me the biggest thing is to always try and keep the communication. As long as you can communicate you can work through anything.
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Being a new father I worry about my little girl all the time. I get that strange feeling in my gut every time I see a young girl that’s dressed revealing. I think that “hopefully my daughter won’t dress that way when she becomes that age.”
As parents we do the best we can to instill morales in our children and sometimes it just doesn’t work out. I pray that my wife and I do the best job we can to help our children make the right choices in life. With Prayer and diligence I think we’ll be OK.
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Dr. Dad Reply:
April 22nd, 2011 at 1:06 pm
Hi Eric,
There may bumps on the road, but with you attitude, I am sure your little girl will have the best parents in the world.
Congratulations,
Stevie
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Hi Stevie,
Great I came across your site… There is so much value available for relationship building and how to keep them, although the URL first gave me daubts if this will reveal much for me… Boy was I wrong…
Yeah, myself I’m in the process to see a 5 year old growing up and be on her side to help and guide and as well being an example. I sometimes trap myself imagine how she will develop and which areas I have to tackle in future together with my wife. But planting the right values for a christian life I think is the most important thing every parent can do in our hemisphere. I look forward to the challenge and show my kids by example…
Thx again for sharing this moment and I love your writting style as well… Great Blog!
All the best,
Alex
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Great story. I love my job as a husband and a father. Although there are days where you don’t understand why some things upset your wife, there are more times of where you just sit back, look at her, and know why you live.
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I love this story… it could have taken place in my world not that long ago. Thankfully, my daughter was never “out there” like the girl in your story, but she has required her own share or course corrections.
So has my son. My ex wife and I were divorced when they kids were around 12 and 11, prime age for them to get into trouble. I worked hard as the non-custodial parent to remain a big part of their lives and to be a “dad.”
I like to think I’ve been successful… both are headed in the right direction. But I must also give a lot of credit to my ex-wife, who did a good job raising them as the custodial parent.
It’s a tough situation, but you should never give up your job of being the parent. Your kids need you more than ever in these circumstances.
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It’s a shame that that girl doesn’t have the type of parent in her life that you obviously are to your children, but at least you can use her as an example of how NOT to raise yours, and hopefully she will one day learn the things that her own parents aren’t teaching her at home. It’s difficult, but not impossible!
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Hey Stevie,
Thanks for sharing this story. It’s times like these when I’m happy that I have a terrific young man my wife and I are raising, so I don’t have to worry about that particular situation.
But, like you stated, it could easily be a similar situation and it applies to boys as well.
So, we definitely need to be vigilant parents, know who our children’s friends are and the parents of those friends and be strong, yet supportive and first and foremost set the right example for our kids.
Hopefully, at the end of the day, we will have instilled the right values and our children, both boys and girls will make the right choices and responsible decisions.
Keep inspiring us,
Marc
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