This article about dating is the first of three articles in this series. It is suggested that you read the articles in order.
Article 1: Would you Fall in Love with YOU
Article 2: Dating Objectives – What to remember
Article 3: Dating Objectives – The end game
I have always been fond of the concept that nothing in life happens by accident and there are many excellent books out there supporting that idea. The existence of these books in no way validates my opinion of course but there is something romantic about the idea of a soul mate awaiting each and every one of us because that’s just the way life is. Still I will not waste your time deliberating the merits of this concept only to refer you to a book that might very well be as much a cause of reflection for you as it has been for me. This book is “Celestine Prophecy” written by James Redfield and whilst it is not a book about dating, it certainly throws our conception of life into an alternate level.
Back to dating and whether you should set yourselves specific objectives.
I remember a conversation I had a few years ago with a friend of mine who was lamenting the fact that she was still single and didn’t see how she would ever get out of the dating “rat race” as she eloquently put it. She had tried it all, the agencies, the online websites, the speed dating firing squads… The lot! And still she remained single. She was an attractive and vibrant young woman and as I sat there, listening to her I honestly wondered how on earth she hadn’t managed to find her soul mate yet. She surely had it all, intelligence, looks and will. She had done all she could and still not one man out there had succumbed to her charms? How could that be?
And then it dawned on me that the problems she was experienced might not even have been the men she dated, but herself, or rather, the perception she had of herself and more importantly, who she projected that perception. When the time came to say our good byes and I walked her back to her car, I could feel that she was really disheartened and at a loss. As she stepped into her car and said good bye I leaned in towards her and asked her a simple question:
“Tell me, would YOU fall in love with YOU?”
She looked at me and drove off and as I saw her disappear into the traffic I was sorry that what I had been thinking came out so poorly. How could I have been so silly to not express my thoughts in a way that made more sense? I really hoped my poor attempts at psychology hadn’t harmed her or our friendship and I felt a sense of loss and sadness that I had not done anything to help her.
Instead of saying the first thing that came to my mind, shouldn’t I have simply tried to re-assure her? To tell her that the dating game was just a process, that there was indeed something out there waiting for her.
In the case of my friend, indeed there was. Next I will be talking about Dating Objectives.
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Well, your honesty is admirable. Maybe you could have been a little more tactful to spare her feelings, but I don’t feel there’s anything wrong with being honest- and you were asking an honest question. And it’s a good one–that’s a question I need to ask myself.
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Dr. Dad Reply:
October 25th, 2011 at 2:33 am
Hello Ami, thank you for your visit. You know what they say about friends being the best counselor a person can find… Sometimes…
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Hi again,
That could of came off wrong if others are not ready for those kind of questions, but I believe those are the questions that you need to ask yourself. Not just that one, but also the many others that should be ask. Would you sit down and have a drink with yourself? Would want to hang out with you? Would want to work for someone like you? And this is a good one. Could you be a room mate with a person like you. This are the questions that you need to ask yourself, and you need to answer them honestly. This is how you get to know, learn, and understand yourself. Believe me I tend to ask those questions when other ask me my opinion. Not to be mean, but to be helpful. This is how you get to the core of the problem. The bottom line if you can not love yourself, then why would you think anyone else would. Great post – TTYL
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Dr. Dad Reply:
October 25th, 2011 at 3:19 pm
Very true!
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I’m not quite sure why I am commenting here, but here goes.
I Love the fact that you told it to this friend of yours just as it was. Although you probably lost a friend in the process, you also lost some seriously negative backage, And chances are she is Now better off from you having told her the God’s honest truth.
The truth shall set you free- And it did
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Dr. Dad Reply:
October 25th, 2011 at 3:17 pm
Hi David. Actually, I am pleased to report that didn’t lose her as a friend. I don’t understand what you mean by: “you also lost some seriously negative backage,”
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Hello again, Dr. Dad!
I came by your site again for some updates, and here I found this question in your story: “Tell me, would YOU fall in love with YOU?”.
We should all put this question to ourselves, and if the answer is no, then we shouldn’t expect others to love us either. It is great that you brought up this one! A lot of people should get an AHA moment, when reading this post of yours, I guess! It was a great reminder! Thank you!
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Hey Dr. Dad
Interesting post. I personally believe in the concept of a soulmate myself. I found mine
, we actually just had our second daughter the pictures are on my facebook.
But I haven’t put alot into if I would fall in love with me ? I really have to investigate myself and perhaps be more romantic.
I picked up this book the “Love Dare” have you heard of it?
Be Blessed and Have Success
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I think sometimes we tread too lightly with friends cause we dont’ want to upset them.. When we are direct and honest it can help with the relationship and get the other person to perhaps see it differently. I think that your friend needed to hear this. Sometimes the truth hurts/jolts us or makes us mad (initially), but it is what we need to hear. I applaud you for your courage and directness.
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That’s a great question “Would YOU fall in love with you?”
It can sound blunt it’s perfect because it puts all of the responsibility on us. We are ultimately the cause of our lives and when things aren’t working out how we want, we should look outside of ourselves only after a good look in.
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Well, most people don’t want to hear the truth. They have a lousy voice. Couldn’t carry a tune if the lives of every person they ever loved depended on it. BUT they still get upset when Simon Cowell shares some reality with them and lets them know that moving on to the next round is never going to happen in this lifetime. I guess the same goes for many people in the dating scene. They want to know what’s wrong with everyone else, but they don’t want to answer the question: “Would you fall in love with you?” They don’t even want to hear the question! But your true, heartfelt, sincere answer to that question is a critical step to meeting the man or woman of your dreams! Hello?
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Dr. Dad Reply:
October 26th, 2011 at 2:05 pm
I hope I wasn’t as brutal as Mr. Cowell though!
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Stevie,
I am a believer in that there is never a wrong way to say the right things. How it was received from what you gave you have no control over, and, as for me, whenever I sit back and mull over a topic, then do I come to an understanding of that “difficult” issue.
Semantics have always bee an issue with me. I used to think intimacy was “only” between between people of the opposite sex and it was purely sexual. In order for me to answer that question I have to have some degree of knowledge of “self”.
Today, after doing some work on ME, I can say yes to that question.
To your success,
Charles
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Dr. Dad Reply:
October 26th, 2011 at 1:51 pm
Thank you so much Charles for your very insightful comment. It is true that there are questions that friends and people in general dare not ask of themselves, let alone each other!
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Tell me, would YOU fall in love with YOU?” although I am not looking, thanks I think this is a key thing for anything not just dating. Who are you, are you needy? If so not very attractive. When I was dating, I just went about the business of being me and loving myself and connecting, and the perfect person came into my life!
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Hi Stevie, I really enjoyed reading this post. There are so many people that need to start reading this blog. I’m not into the dating thing anymore. Been married for 26 years but it’s a great thing you’re doing to help relationships online. Have a wonderful day my friend!
Rick Salas
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Dr. Dad Reply:
October 26th, 2011 at 5:46 pm
Thank you and you too Rick.
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I agree with Holly,
I think your words. Sometimes the first thing that comes to mind is the best thing to say. Now of course when we don’t speak right away and think twice about what we are about to tell someone, we often “question ourselves” and decide to say what the other person would want to hear.
I think you were a good friend to her and that even if it hurts a little to something deeper sometimes…we know that at the end of the day, it’s these word help us grow the most!
The world needs more friends like you
~ Nathalie
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I posted a comment, then my computer crashed so here I am again. Stevie this is awesome. The dating game starts with knowing your self, your needs, what you like and don’t like. Saying this to your friend may have sparked something deep inside to make her realize something. Sometimes that happens. Many of my clients deal in the dating game. The first thing I tell them is to make a list that begins with “I Need A Man that….” and take a week or so to write it. The more specific, the better it would be. Looking inside to your specific needs attracts someone to you. I’ts a long story, but it works. I have to send my clients to your blog!!! I love to give them any support they need and you my friend have so many answers. Thank you
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Dr. Dad Reply:
October 27th, 2011 at 11:28 pm
I like how you describe it: “Many of my clients deal in the dating game”!
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Hi Stevie,
Way back in 1986, I was unhappy with my marriage. I discovered that the extent to which you loved yourself governed the quality of people you attracted!
Once that happened I had no trouble attracting partners, although they never lasted until I met “the one”. We just celbrated 20 years of marriage this week.
I am a student of James Redfield and “The Celestine Prophecy” reads like my journey and life. I don’t believe we have just one soulmate, but a larger group that we resonate with. When we meet one of them, we know them, even though we haven’t met before.
That’s how it was with my partner. We recognised each other when we met. If not for this we would probably never have gottten together because we are from completely opposite sides of the tracks!
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Dr. Dad Reply:
October 27th, 2011 at 11:30 pm
Hello fellow Celestine Prophecy fan! I also agree with you that it is possible to have more than one soulmate. Such is the nature of the human heart that it is possible to love deeply more than once!
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Some people are not good with honesty at the core. Additionally, it could have just been the wrong time for the person to deal with the question. I have had people ask me the right question at the wrong time. My answer did not jive with their expectations, but there are sometimes when I have come back days, weeks, or in some cases even months later to thank them for the suggestion.
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Dr. Dad Reply:
October 28th, 2011 at 3:45 pm
It’s true. Honesty can be painful and I would never advocate being abrasive and hurtful for the sake of it. At the same time, if you feel strongly about a subject, are close to a person facing a particular challenge, dating, self appreciation or anything else for that matter, then I would say it would be wrong not to say anything.
Obviously, when relating a story such as the one in this article, it is not always possible to express the “body language” used with that friend. Mine was friendly, empathic and affectionate. Perhaps I should have clarified this in my article.
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Sincerity it the cornerstone of communication, Stevie.
If we’re not able to communicate well with a person, the relationship will crumble eventually. If honesty is a put-off, then there is really nothing to build on in the first place.
That said, honesty, of course, can always be packaged attractively as well as not. So we need to do our best to present criticism constructively, not judgmentally.
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I am really impressed that you had the courage to have this conversation with you friend! That really shows how much you care for this friend. It is hard to really check yourself or have one of your friends call you out on something like this. I love that you gave her something to really think about.
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Wanna say as well that I am truly impressed that you had the courage to have this conversation with you friend! That truly exhibits how much you care for this buddy. It is difficult to truly check yourself or have one of your friends contact you out on some thing like this. I adore that you gave her some thing to truly think about.
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Dr. Dad Reply:
November 7th, 2011 at 2:19 pm
Thank you Grace!
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Even if it hurt her at the time, it really gets the message across that we have to be the type of person that we want to marry. You can’t expect everyone else to be the problem.
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I would definitely fall in love with me! Not in the vain sense of it, but I believe that you are only capable of loving someone as much as you love yourself. And you’re right, your perception about yourself projects outwards. You attract your mirror image. So if you want to meet the prince (or princess) Charming of your dreams, you gotta work on yourself first.
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Some people can’t handle candid conversation. I think you handled it well, she shouldn’t be so sensitive.
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Thanks for finally writing about > Dating 101 – Would YOU fall in love with YOU? < Liked it!
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Dr. Dad Reply:
February 10th, 2012 at 3:03 pm
You’re welcome!
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